Single Mothers of Men

Single mothers of boys face an incredible challenge when it comes to accepting another man in their lives. The most recent episode of Iyanla, Fix My Life a television series on the OWN Network, dealt with this issue straight on. After watching this episode, all I can do is write.

 I am a single mother of a boy who has been the prince of my life. He has been with me for 20 years and counting. As he described the nature of our relationship to someone else he said, “I am the only consistent man in her life”. How sad!

What I realize is that when there wasn't a man in my life, he became the man in my life. I thought that I was loving him by giving and giving in to him, but it was really all for selfish gain. I wanted him to be happy with me so he wouldn't leave me too. My selfishness stunted his growth and prevented him from becoming the man he needs to be.

When you have been doing wrong for so long, 

how do you stop, make an about face, and turn around?

The following are the 6 initial steps on the road to fixing your mistake.

Step 1: Take a page out of the 12-step program and acknowledge that you have a problem! Without this step there can be no recovery. Acknowledgement is not just saying the words, but acknowledging the damage it has caused.

Step 2: Forgive yourself. To be clear, this step is not about soothing yourself and pretending that it didn't really happen. Forgiving yourself is about letting go of all the guilt associated with your past mistakes so that life is not a revolving door smacking you in the face over and over again preventing you from moving forward.

Step 3: Ask for the forgiveness of your child/children. In most cases your children will forgive you because they love you. But make no mistake, they are going to reserve themselves because they have heard it all before, and they are waiting to be let down again.

Step 4: Step out of the limelight, and make your children’s’ dream come true, whatever they may be! This doesn't mean that they get anything and everything they want. It is about talking to them about their dreams, breaking them down, and doing your best to make something come true. This makes them feel like their futures take precedence in your life.

Step 5: Have a clear conversation with your children about your expectations of them. Remind them that you, as their parent, will hold them accountable if they fail to meet them. This restores the proper balance of power and absolves them of any undue responsibility. 

Step 6: Get a life of your own, and stop depending on your child. If your children feel that they need to care for you, how do can they make a life for themselves? When asking for assistance, ask for it, but do not make them responsible for you.

Stay tuned for more to come. The next steps will focus on what to do when you think you have found someone special. If you have suggestions or comments, please feel free to share them.

Lala